Great poo.

Just done a right little treat.

Really needed it, really wanted it. Did it.

No waiting, no real stress, pushed and it happened. Satisfying to say the least. It was fairly dry, which made it a winner but it was fairly dense. Which gave it a big splash.

It came as a shock, however it was ultimately refreshing.

The only downside to this entire poo was the lack if toilet paper. Really screwed myself over on that hand.

Wipe. 9
Smell. 8
Stool chart rating. 2

P.S. I found toilet paper.

Monsoon Season

Im basically pissing out of my ass right now. I mean it, this very second!

It stinks. It's splashing back, i mean, i'm probably covered in my own shit right now.

The burning has just kicked in. My sphincter may be on fire right now!

Feels like Vietnam in a toilet bowl. Except i don't live the smell of this napalm in the morning, (or ever).

...Pause for wiping...

Surely the picture says it all. I don't wanna talk about it any more..

Smell - 9
Type - 5/6
Wipe - Not as bad as i expected, hurt though. 5 out of 10.

"Disabled" Toilet

As i don't suffer with any disability apart from a severe lack of shame, this one probably annoyed someone down the line.

I'll set the scene for you, incredibly quiet afternoon at work. Cleaning out the beer cellar, as you do. I feel an awful stabbing pain which i assumed was trapped wind, as the night before a few to many sprouts were consumed (few to many being any at all), after dropping a stinker or two in this small confined room i became less popular with my colleague, however that was the tip of the iceberg.

Not minutes later i was forcibly ejected from the cellar by the uncontrollable agony shooting from my stomach and the unfaltering need the shout from my rear end.

The nearest toilet was the disabled cubicle. I went in a fully functioning man, i left a limping, sweaty, raw individual, worthy of a disabled parking permit.

After dropping trow, the violence started. A true assault on the toilet, and a score for any rebels who had always dreamt of using the disabled toilets!

It offended my nostrils quite savagely, but it was the impact it had on my movement that upset me the most. It left such a burning ring that i could barely walk, washing later that evening reduced me to tears and at this point you're all wondering why i'm telling you this information!

What was the left resembled a bag of mouldy fruit that had been placed in a bowl, all shapes and sizes, but only one colour.

Smell. 8
Type. N/A.
Wipe. 2. Painful and tiresome.

#paidtopoo

I've failed you. And i'm sorry!

Over the past 6 months i have failed to provide new content for the blog! Not in the sense that I've been storing my faeces, more in the fact that i didn't keep up with my posts!

Shit happens, daily, and that makes it hard to come up with consistently humorous similes and metaphors about poo. In not wanting to let down you, the readers, with inadequate puns..i did worse. I failed to post at all.

However, a new year has once again inspired me to continue. There may not always be pictures, there may not always be epic detail. But there will be the vital stats, "top trumps - poo edition" if you like.

If i remember correctly, 2013 didn't kick off as early as you'd hope after a night based solely on drinking. In fact, the first dump i remember taking this year didn't poke it's head out until the 4th of January.

Perhaps the alcohol was keeping the shit drunk and it couldn't find it's way to the out, maybe i was too drunk and i just can't remember doing one beforehand.

The fella that did emerge first was definitely drunk though, he was the straggler left at the bar when everyone went home. Smelly, no friends and a real disappointment. I can't remember enough about it to rate or describe it more.

The next few days bought with it a series of unfortunate events, (hopefully lawyers don't pull my pants down for that), but indeed they did. I think the brussel sprouts did me in.

A routine excursion to the pub bought me to my knees, (in a more vertical fashion, with my cheeks firmly on the seat). Probably the worst thing to happen in the pub, having a huge shit that doesn't really wipe convincingly.
Smell on that bad boy.. solid 8.
Consistency.. bit of type 2, with some lingering type 5 getting in on the action.
Wipe, obviously not scoring highly, 3 maybe 4 out of 10.

Keep checking back, I've got several more that i could write on this post, but they deserve their own!

Peas out.

12.

I should apologise for the lack of updates recently, after leaving it for a while ones mind becomes a catastrophic mess after trying to write about 30 or so dumps.


Waiting is only ever good when you know you're getting something at the end of it, waiting to void your bowels is less amusing, waiting 12 hours during a shift at work is even further from fun. In fact, it's painful, don't do it unless you have to. 

Shoddy lighting, my bad...

As you can see, my battery was dying after such a long day, so no flash, bad times.


It was a pretty dry beast, making it a bit more tricky to shove out, and after the wait I was rather convinced this should be a quick process, so I could move on with my day.


It didn't smell so raw, which is a positive, however, it looks like a sex toy, a massive negative. In fact, it's just wrong. 


It left me feeling hollow, allowing the perfect opportunity to eat a horse, but alas, there was no horse. 


Bristol rating; 3


Personal rating; 5, average poop.


22/4/12

Slush Poopy

Fun Fun Fun, every poo has a story, but this one eludes me, the pictures tell a thousand words, many of them being unanswerable questions or expletives, but after the initial shock you realise you can't un-see what i've shown you, and accept it for what it is...

A messy dump always raises more questions than normal, for instance, what went wrong that day, how is he still alive, and why is he still alive, i wish he was dead for showing me that picture!

Apologies for the tilt, live the dream though.

It stank, obviously, more than usual though, and as you can probably guess, the clean up operation was a 2 man job, although i would probably never accept help from another human with that effort, not until i'm incapable and in a care home. 


Bristol rating; 4-5


Personal rating; 6 - Could of been worse, smell was bad, but i'm used to that, it's an occupational hazard.


19/4/12

Eggs a la Crap...

How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like them to actually be eggs, and I like my shit to feel like shit, not like the meal I ate in the first place...


At the time of departure this felt like it was necessary, on reflection, i wish it wasn't. It felt truly disgusting to be a part of this process. It actually felt like I was passing scrambled eggs, and I can assure you, it was vile. As for the smell, it matched the texture, it was horrendous, and aggressive, it kept attacking until the moment I left the room.

As you can see, these look like they've been coated in some sort of viscous fluid, (You know when you crack a egg, and it sort of flows, but it doesn't quite? It looks like it was a semi-fluid protection, as if the poo were the yolk, and this gunk was the egg white, bad times. Just awful...)


As you can guess, some of this viscosity wiped off on exit, making wiping difficult, but not impossible, merely close to..


Bristol rating; 5


Personal rating; 7, it was interesting, I like having something to write about.




18/4/12