Part 2... Shotgun.

Later that evening, (20/3/12)


Something dire happened, the rumblies came back, with a vengeance.


I'll just dive straight in and stick on the picture.

Bit blurry, but it's probably for the best.

Shotgun shells have a neater blast radius than this, i made quite detailed notes about the turd in question.


It was painful, as i'm sure most shotgun exit wounds are, but relieving at the same time, the rumblies were almost getting the best of me, running to the toilet was a wise move. It burnt, only adding to the agony, at first it was just a painful piece of plugged fire that squirted out, making a mess, but i waited it out, and soon enough, another bombardment of nuggets hit the deck, plenty of splash came from these bad boys, which was almost welcomed after the initial burn of the explosion, but splashback is never good. Ever.


I sat there for a good 15 to 20 minutes, getting to know the insides of my trousers, examining the seams and finding out why my trousers are so uncomfortable when i'm sat down.


Wiping, not easy, lots of moisture, and what can only be compared to vinaigrette. Not purdy. The smell wasn't too satisfactory either, it was full on, but not quite gagging.


Bristol stool rating; 5-6, not really the greatest.


Personal rating: 4, very long winded, and painful.


Keep checking back! Poops and Peeps.

Reluctance...

20/3/12


I remember this one, quite clearly, i suppose that's down to the memo i left on my phone, but even without it, this one takes me back.


I was just on my way out the door when this little treat hit me...or didn't, depending on how you look at it.


Struck with the rumblies, i made the decision to try my luck, to my regret, or maybe not! There were too many variables in deciding if this was a good thing or not.


Immediately as i sat down, nothing happened, and it was obvious there was going to be a  struggle here. As i began to push, the situation rapidly descended into anarchy. Agony, anguish, regret? 


Pretty tight boulder. Not easy to pass at all.


However, with such events, wiping is never an issue, if i remember rightly, there was nothing to clean up from this one!

Not enjoyable by any means, but this tale comes in two parts...


Bristol Stool chart rating: 1-2 Not quite rabbit droppings.


Personal rating: 2. Painful.


Look out for the next one!

More Than I Bargained For...

I've been pretty lazy with my updates recently, but don't think i haven't been keeping track! The evidence is all there, i just have to dive to the back of the bowl to refresh my memory.


This one was rather average from what i recall, supposed to be a quick dump, turned out i dropped "The Borrowers" off at the pool.


Hefty Poo, lots of sausages, not much of a smell i think, amazingly.


It was a remarkably easy wipe as well, without spreading and creating cornrows of crap up my back. (You know what i'm talkin' 'bout!)

|That's a shit load...

Bristol Stool chart rating: Somewhere between 4 and 5. Not a problem poo.


My personal rating: 7, just for the sheer surprise of how much there was.


19/03/12


Over and out.

Wide load.

This was a work poo, the day after St Patrick's Day, so you know it was always gonna be tragic. 

Horribly hungover at work, I realised it was time to go, so I made my excuses, and went for a dump.

Tar, horrible dirty, sticky, stubborn tar. An absolute nightmare, on exit and the aftermath. 

It felt like it came out at bizarre angles, tacking like a Schooner sailing the seven seas of shit.

Until the final lengths slipped out, at which point it's texture changed to that of chocolate mousse.

Wiping, i'll get to the point... It wasn't easy, the reference to tar applies here too. As soon as i'd done, it wasn't long before i felt incredibly uneasy about the situation. I knew i hadn't done well on this one... The poor quality toilet paper was a challenge, and there's only so much wiping a sensitive little bum can take. I did have to make a second visit later in the day to reassure myself the job was done.

The smell was pretty rough, but it didn't take long to disappear, thankfully, always a bonus at work.

There was plenty more to see in the depths, but i couldn't get decent lighting. :(

Bristol stool chart rating; 3, close to 2, it was quite the challenge.

Personal rating; 6, although it was a truly unique effort, it felt good to get rid of, holding on to that much Guinness for that long can weigh you down.

However, this isn't the end of the story, this one got me 3 times, at first with the initial poop, then minutes later i was forced to face it, about to get back to work I felt pretty sick, seconds later i found myself running up the stairs and shoving my head in the bowl for a quick sick. And then later that day when it kept playing on my mind. 3 for 1. Too many problems.

Happy Mother's Day! And St Patrick's Day! Guinness for days!

Rim Reaper.

Ugly, pure and simple. 

Disgusting, wasn't happy with it, i'm not gonna write too much about this one, it really upset me.

It was stinky, and slippery, and it just sucked. Thin and grubby.

Had an ugly little head on it, and potentially some corn? Not sure i remember eating corn, could be some bacon fat. Nasty little turd.

Wiping wasn't easy either, but it didn't quite spread like Nutella.

Bristol stool chart rating; 3

Personal rating; 2, maybe 3. Pain in the backside.

Hopefully the next will be better.

Turning Japanese...

This one was a shocker, although i've been a tad lazy with my updates this weekend, i can't remember exact details about the suspect.

Jogging my memory with this terrible image..

Kanji? Hirigana? Nope...Poop.

I remember it started small, and as i was checking out facebook on the throne, time passed and apparently there was more to come, it wasn't particularly difficult to deal with. If i'm correct, it wasn't ripe, and could have done with a bit more brewing, but alas, my body had other plans.

The smell was average, and usual for me, mix of vegetables and petrol.

Wiping wasn't a challenge either, I think i'm finally getting there, 21 years and I'm confident in my abilities.

Bristol Stool chart rating; 4, the sheer amount made it fall apart on entry. 

My personal rating, 6 out of 10, didn't feel too great pushing it out, when it's not ripe it just shouldn't happen.

Poo happens.

Stale Ale

A night on the ale can do terrible things to a man, this this was almost a prime example.


I'd like to just point out the addition of the Bristol Stool chart to the right >>>
Just so everyone knows what that part of the posts are about, and it's actually quite a renowned scientific tool, (Gillian McKeith eat your heart out).


This little challenge in my day wasn't desirable, it became obvious very quickly that this wasn't an average poop.

Looks basic enough, but it shot out, incredibly soft, felt slimy, all in all it was just a terrible experience. It wasn't too smelly, its only redeeming factor.


Wiping was a surprisingly easy task, which was pleasant, but i think it knew deep down i deserved that at least. After the ordeal of its texture.


Bristol Stool chart rating; 5-6. Pushing on closer to 6. 


My rating; 3 out of 10, about as unattractive as turds come. Nasty to deal with in every aspect.


This one pooped my party.. Total Buzzkill.

Greased Lightning...

From what I remember of this critter, it was all over very quickly, but it was quite beneficial to my day.

Having had a few pints the night before, it was only a matter of time before some gave way. A substantial amount, something worth talking about considering it was "Faster than the speed of love" (sneaky family guy reference).

Note the weaker members of the pack hiding in the depths.

Texture, at a push, (pun intended) I'd have to guess this was easy to wipe, looks pretty standard to me, as far as i'm aware it didn't smell until i left the room and came back 5 minutes later, during which time i think it may have been fermenting, perhaps it was starting it's own brewery, who knows what they get up to in their spare time, but it had a very hoppy smell to it.


Bristol Stool Chart rating; Appearance is deceptive, but i'd give it a 4.


Personal rating; 6 on size alone. Could of been higher, but i can barely remember doing it.


Party pooper...

Lost and Found

This was a truly magical experience. I though all hope was gone for my chance to catch a rare glimpse of this rare beast, at first inspection it had disappeared like the chance of peace in Afghanistan. 

...But wait! 

Just as i was about to throw in the towel... it reappeared, fascinating!

Considering it was the second dump of the day i was quite surprised at its size, curling itself around the bottom of the bowl like a snake having a nap.

Texture, well, it was a slippery fella, not much character in that respect, but it made up for it with that cheeky personality, hiding from me and everything, little scamp!

Smell wasn't too lofty, lingered for a while, but not so bad i had to take action against it. Easy wipe, no smearing it up my back or anything.


Bristol stool chart rating; Type 4. No doubt about it.


Personal rating; i'd give it a 7. It wasn't much to talk about, but it had personality, and i think that's quite special!

Cheeky lil' scamp.

Squatter out.

A little coffee goes a long way...

Well, a quick slurp of Starbucks frappucino moves things along nicely during the day, seriously, 2 sips and I was clenchin' like Mike Tyson.

So, 2 days went past, and nothin' much happened, wasn't complaining, until the first sip of that sugary ice cold coffee goodness.

At first it felt like it could have been explosive, but it was deceptively slow, walking up the stairs at work i could tell it would be a tacky blighter, but i knew i couldn't hold on to it for another 5 hours. #notworthit

My guess was right, quite tacky, but easy to squeeze out. My main concern was losing my nerve and tensing up, which in this situation, would have been a nightmare, truly. 

The smell was average to bad, not really too much of a problem, had a hearty vegetable detail after the initial kick. Wiping was also an average feat, it had potential to destroy me, but i think it was handled as well as possible.

Size...N/A (i think the picture does the work for me) 

Due to popular demand, and my keen interest to keep this blog as scientific as possible, or at least justify it...

A Bristol Stool Chart Rating of.... 3-4 (Appearance didn't match texture, thus the leeway) 

My personal rating, 7. Could of been better, wasn't really in the mood for it in all honesty. But a work poo is a paid poo nonetheless. 

Apologies for the poor image, it's incredibly difficult to get adequate lighting at such short notice.

Squatter out.

Keeping above 10%

Mudslides in places like the Philippines are dangerous... Sure! But they probably aren't as uncomfortable as what happened in my bowl this morning.

Being forced out of bed to make Mississippi mud pie is not a good start to the day.

Explosive. No real concept of nuggets. Imagine pouring eggs down the drain. The yolk is the only real comparison i can make to what came out.
Wiping was a feat of persistence.

The smell was potent, gagging and ferocious. Warning signs were needed for the next occupant.

For sheer relief, i'd give it a 7 out of 10.

If you stomach the picture. Well done. But you still have no idea how bad it truly was.


Squatter out.

The Work Poo.

Another near miss, almost forgot this one too, but luckily the photographic evidence jogged my memory...


Suffering with a hangover, i managed to struggle through the day thinking i was gonna blow at any moment, but when the time came, I pulled it off.


Extremely quick to move out, no flanking maneuvers for this one. Straight off the blocks it shot out, followed by some hilarious gas, which everyone loves. 


The smell however, "summin' else!" Like sitting on a garage forecourt, at first it wreaked of petrol, then took a turn, (a nasty one) smelling distinctly like pure methane. Overall however, it did improve the course of my day. Relaxing my achey belly.


Reasonably simple to wipe, but had it's challenges, fortunately, work went all out and bought emergency toilet paper, none of the usual Office Depot recycled stuff, which is the same as wiping with sandpaper. And just as effective.


A poo at work is always going to score higher on the scale, because when it comes down to it... you're being paid to shit. Good times.


6 out of 10.


I hope you find the picture as funny as i did, i'm not sure how it developed a beak. 

Squatter out.

The cup of Joe.

Thank you kind sir for the Douwe Egberts. Im glad it wasn't in my toilet though. This one was quite a bad boy.

The smell was described as disappointing. Which was a severe understatement. It stank. I can only.blame it on Guinness and a kebab..maybe the coffee gave it an extra kick.

As for the important details..
Long and sticky. Easy enough to push out. Not so easy to wipe. The smell was not aided by the lack of a functioning window. Bad times.

Enjoy the picture. I know i did. The only downfall is that seconds before i took the photo, there was a horn of crap stuck to the front of the bowl. HI-LARIOUS.

8 out of 10. Great poo.

Squatter out.

A case of the rumblies.

Thought it was gonna be explosive. I really did.

Fairly normal though. Spindly finger turds. Extreme smell. Can't believe j nearly forgot this dump happened. Almost a challenge to wipe but i managed it. 21 years of practice came into its own. 

6 out of 10.

Squatter out.

The Titanic

I'm fairly certain i need to stop drinking Guiness and ale, every shit i do disappears before it's time. I have a flush for a reason!


This morning's extremity was what felt to be a substantial amount, however the only thing i found lurking at the bottom of my bowl was the tiny bit, (that fell out after the boulder that Wiley Coyote pushed out my ass trying to crush the Roadrunner). 


Grade A Disappointment


As far the smell, there wasn't any, i didn't even have to wipe, obviously i did the preliminary wipe, found nothing...panicked and wiped voraciously again. To find more clean paper. (Who likes trees anyway, right?)


Fairly uncomfortable to push out though, i imagine birth is worse, but as i won't have to experience that, i'm going with this being far worse...


Had i seen the questionable nugget, i could have given a higher rating, but alas, seeing is believing, and i don't think that i could give it any higher than;


4 out of 10, it wouldn't be fair to the other poo's if it scored higher now, would it!


Squatter out.

Further disappointment.

Two a day? Hardly. Not much to report, comparative too a slowworm. In all aspects.

Tricky wipe. And also took immense concentration not too chop it off mid way. Causing extreme mess.
(you know what i'm talking about.. Matted fur. Bad times for the bum beard.)

2 out of 10. Much effort. Little reward.

Squatter out.

07/03/2012

Ahoy! Another day.. Another dump.

I can happily say this was better than yesterdays. More smell. More substance. But not much of a looker.

It was fairly average in size. 7ish inches. Consisted of 2 segments reasonably dense and tacky. A sinker. Another easy wiper which makes my life so much easier.

In summary, a positive poo. 6 out of 10

Next time i'm hoping it'll be something worthy of a photo.

Pleasant pooping.
Squatter out.

06/03/2012

The morning after my 21st, should have been a complete write-off... Unfortunately for me i think there's worse to come.

It wasn't a full bodied joyous poop. It wasn't particularly easy to push out,
And caused a great amount of splashback. Probably about 4 inches and a couple of rabbit droppings (that's how i'd describe them)

Those being the negatives.. It was easy to wipe, which is always a bonus. Not very smelly. And almost flushed itself.

All in all i'd have to give this poo a 4 out of 10. Disappointing.

I don't think this will be my only update today.
Squatter out.

Birthday poo number 2. Pun intended.

Right, it really is my birthday. 2 in 1 day. However.. the crushing facts are..
It was a big fuss over nothing. A lot of pushing. Much gas. Almost some spray, but 2 pathetic fingers worth of joy. No smell. Easy wipe. Job done.
Squatter out.

Day 1. The Birthday poo.

Warning... 

If faecal matter offends you, this blog isn't for you. This is a log book charting every crap I take during my "adult" life. Starting on my 21st birthday i plan on documenting each and every dump or squirt i do. Pictures may be shown...

If you however are fascinated by s**t then feel free to enjoy this page, comment, feedback, or start your own "log book" 

Starting on new years day 2012, i have been keeping count of every turd... from now on i plan on keeping a more in depth record, to aid future scientists in their faecal studies. 'Cause let's face it....shit happens.

A quick catch up on the year to date...

Thus far i've had 57 toilet excursions in 2012, 6 of which have been nasty diarrhoea. I did warn you, this is all about the dumps.

For the statistics fans out there...that's 10.5% truly ridiculous excretions. In my opinion anything over 5% is distressing. 

Day to day that creates an average of 0.87. 

Most doctors don't ask you about your regularity. They may think it is not important to have a bowel movement every day. In fact, some doctors think its ok when you have 2-3 bowel movements a week.

If you have one, two or more bowel movements a day, you may still be constipated. If you are leaving fecal matter along your colon walls because you don't eat enough fiber this is considered constipation. Remember constipation is really the elimination of all fecal matter that passes through your colon from the food that you ate in the previous meals.

If you sit on the toilet and have to stay there over 5-10 minutes pushing, straining, or paining to have a bowel movement, then you are constipated. Straining to have a bowel movement, overtime, leads to hemorrhoids, varicose veins, or fissures.

If you eat three meals a day, then you should have three bowel movements each day. The first bowel movement should take place in the morning when you wake up or soon after you have had breakfast. Typical you should experience the urge for a bowel movement 20-30 minutes after you eat. The other bowel movements should be during the day and just before bedtime.

A little snippet from http://rudysilva.articlealley.com/how-many-bowel-movements-should-you-have-each-day-9745.html

Just in case it made you think about how many times you visit the can.

I think that sums up everything you'd need to know about the point of the logbook, happy reading!

Birthday Poo. 05/03/2012.

Description; Soft, felt like velvet on the way out, caused very discoloured water, almost like a soft beer poo. Fell apart causing several nuggets, approx 2-3 inches in size, about 5-6 nuggets in total. Average smell, could be worse. Not too difficult to wipe, easily flushable, the sort of poo you wouldn't mind doing at someone else's house. 

Poo rating; As a birthday poo... 7 out of 10.