Eggs a la Crap...

How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like them to actually be eggs, and I like my shit to feel like shit, not like the meal I ate in the first place...


At the time of departure this felt like it was necessary, on reflection, i wish it wasn't. It felt truly disgusting to be a part of this process. It actually felt like I was passing scrambled eggs, and I can assure you, it was vile. As for the smell, it matched the texture, it was horrendous, and aggressive, it kept attacking until the moment I left the room.

As you can see, these look like they've been coated in some sort of viscous fluid, (You know when you crack a egg, and it sort of flows, but it doesn't quite? It looks like it was a semi-fluid protection, as if the poo were the yolk, and this gunk was the egg white, bad times. Just awful...)


As you can guess, some of this viscosity wiped off on exit, making wiping difficult, but not impossible, merely close to..


Bristol rating; 5


Personal rating; 7, it was interesting, I like having something to write about.




18/4/12

Hibernation

A fairly uneventful poo, plenty of smell, and plenty of wiping. But i've come to expect nothing less. Anything but is just a pleasant surprise.


A couple of weasels sleeping in their den, all snuggled and brown, is the exact comparison I would make to these fellows. 

I can always tell how bad the wipe was by the colour, and this autumnal array is only bad news, it's generally a reminder that it was soft and unforgiving. 


And the smell is normally worse when they come out like Mr Whippy, so it's safe to say this was unpleasant at best.


Bristol rating; 5


Personal; 4.




17/4/12

Phallus in Wonderland

Before anyone says i'm overly sick for comparing this to a man dick, just look at it.

Let's just examine it...

...Done?

Clearly a dick of sorts.

Normal poo really, just came out looking a bit "cocky"..

Bristol rating; 4

Personal; 6. Easy all rounder, no problems for me.

Sorry there wasn't much write-up on that one, but sometimes pictures just speak volumes.

16/4/12

Brown Frown.

Not much memory of this one to be perfectly honest, but I can see that it was a mess, and I know it probably smelled terrible, judging by the colour of the water, it was probably a tough wipe, and i'm pretty sure this isn't my toilet, so... many mysteries to be unravelled.

Serious discolouration, must of been pungent bro...

Bristol rating; 4


Personal rating; 5..hard to rate as i have no memory of it.




14/4/12

Stool Runnings

It was a sad day when i returned to crapping fingers of fudge, and filling the bottom of the pan.


Another time when i've been sat there a while and it just keeps flowing, although it wasn't a time when it was awkward to do so, it isn't the greatest of feelings to crap through a sieve. 


Easy to do, not so easy to wipe, they leave inevitable moisture, which just makes more mess than you'd think. And they smell far worse, making them a chore at the best of times.

A barrel of laughs...No.

From the pictures, i can vaguely remember that I could probably have paved a road with what i wiped from this one, or at least fix a pothole or two.


Smell, bad, very bad. Don't get too close to the bowl, or even the bathroom, do it, leave the house, let someone else find it, regale with laughter when they tell you the story of how they found it.


Bristol. 5-6


Personal.. 4.




13/4/12

Snake 3D

Almost certainly the greatest poo I have ever done, I cannot express how happy I am with this...

It didn't start so easily though, as with many great things, it took perseverance. 

As you'll see in the picture, it had a couple of obstacles to overcome, the initial push was immense, and painful, like a chicken laying eggs, I forced out the two little blighters blocking the path of glory.

Then came the most beautiful and hilarious thing i've seen. I'm not sure how it happened, but with a lot of pushing, and a mysterious tightness, I forced out this 

A real life Brownaconda.

The smell was average, and the wipe, was also a breeze, it somehow managed to take it's tail and any other possessions with it. Leaving me with an easy job.

Bristol; Unidentifiable, but probably a 4, mixed with a 2.

Personal, 9.5... It would be a 10, but i don't think it's possible until i reach my death bed and look back on them all.

Snaaaaaake! 11/4/12

Tale of Two Shitties (Part 2)

Later that day....

I thought that was the end of it, a substantial amount to see me through the day, but my body had other plans, the earlier had hurt my belly after some reflection, and a good look through my memo's and after doing it i had felt better, so i was even more shocked at this event.

Thanks to my wonderful memo notes, i have the most valuable of information on this hindrance. 

I had terrible gas, causing severe discomfort, as I pushed through the gas pockets in the metaphorical cave that is my ass, I struck oil, literally and in keeping with the metaphor, it was tacky, sticky, and every other adjective you want to describe it as, if this happened at the beach, i'd be paying some serious clean-up fees and have a very guilty conscience as many sea-birds would have been coated in some serious grime. If you can make it out it's just lurking at the bottom of the pan.

  As i invested more time in mining, i knew it would became a serious case of getting a tap on the oil well, and burning it off, i could feel the squirts coming on. However, I pushed on through, as i wasn't leaving the job half done. I got a lean on, creating the perfect angle for me to produce even more mess, making a terrible smell even worse, and generally ruining my day, it didn't take much lean to spur the rest on. After drinking one too many pints of jail Ale the night before, i know never to make that mistake again, unless i'm keen on having a post named Fail Ale. To go with the post "Stale Ale".


It stank, so incredibly badly, like vomit. Which was nearly doubled in strength when i almost chundered from the top end.


All this gas and shit leaving my body left a huge cavity, I could really feel the void and couldn't really decide if this was a good thing or not, I'm just glad that this mess happened at home. It was less than fun.


It came with a tough wipe, a really tough wipe. It became a game of hit and miss, first wipe...chocolate. Nobody needs to deal with that, ever, it smeared, like Nutella on toast. Several wipes later, we can end this story. Close the book, and move on with our lives. Hopefully an experience not to be repeated, although the likelihood of this happening is slim, as i'm expecting to live on for many more years.


Bristol rating; 5-6


Personal rating; 3, it had nothing going for it.




10/4/12

Tale of Two Shitties..

Two in one day, jackpot.

A good all round dump, good curl on the beast, which makes me happy, curves are good, on women and poo. Funnier on poo, and unsurprisingly it doesn't help make it more attractive. Thank god.

Apologies for the head tilting, but it helps you understand the curve more.

Bursting at the seams, it could of been trickier, however, as i recall it was easy enough, probably a bit of a push, nothing to challenging for an experienced shitter.

Wiping, sticky, but bearable, i didn't know what i was in for later that day though...

Smell, bad, 7/10, slow developer. One of those that don't really hit you until you leave the room and come back 10 minutes later.

Bristol rating; 4.

Personal; 6, funny curve, makes it worth it.

10/4/12

Good things come to those who wait...

I'm pretty certain it's not healthy to contain such a demon for this long, this became a three day stint of shitting abstinence. 


Well overdue, this one was welcomed, like a new baby, i would of appreciated a card congratulating me, but apparently they don't sell cards welcoming shits into the world, which is understandable, the demand would be ridiculous and the Amazon would be long gone by now. One the positive side we'd probably recycle more...


This thing felt like a brick, in all aspects, it was heavy, dense, and wide, so very wide. It took some extreme pushing, "You ever seen a horse blink its eye?" Yeah, crowning, hell, i deserved a card for this one.


Wiping, what wiping, this thing was drier than the Sahara, as bland as a Channel 5 afternoon drama, as painful as watching back to back adverts about starving kids in Africa...

Looks like a freakin' rhino's armour!

Bristol rating; 3

Personal rating; 6, well overdue, i needed this deuce, it hurt, but it was probably worth it. 

9/4/12.

Finger of Fudge

The last of the hidden parties!


A totally clean and healthy turd, no complaints about this one, i even like the way it looks. 


As the name suggests, it looks like fingers, but it felt like crap, because it was... and if i ever discover what fingers feel like coming out my ass, i'm in trouble. 

The colour of the water, the shape, it's just funny...

It was relatively easy to wipe, no skid marks up my back, nothing to spoil my day. The smell was also regular. An all-rounder, one to look back and smile about.

Bristol rating; 4

Personal; 8, although it wasn't one to tell future generations, it was satisfying. Plus i have a feeling that the log at the bottom if pretty long, so i'm proud.

06/04/12

Give it a rest...

Quit it, seriously, just stop.


A real travesty among shits.


It stank before i even sat down to banish these demons. Completely out of order, it's just not ok for a crap to dominate a person like that. And it stank even worse when it came out, there was no "winning" here. 


It then continued for a long time, emanating throughout. Until it climaxed with me chucking paint at the wall for want of a better comparison, a total mess, and a lot of it.

See what i mean about them having little parties.

I even thought you deserved a close-up.

I know wiping was an issue, it generally is, but this clearly came with many strings attached, like pulling a girl, and waking up to find out she's not as hot as you thought, and she has a kid (or two), and she's riddled with STD's. The list goes on. So many issues, not enough time or toilet paper.

Bristol rating; Type 5, just.

Personal; It was a pretty epic dump, but I hated the smell, and texture, Poached eggs, topped off with scrambled eggs.

(04/04/12)

Brownaconda

A relatively light-hearted post after the massacre of the previous one.

Codename "Brownaconda" this one was a satisfying snake like creature, it felt long, and i think it may have broken some records if it weren't for the u-bend.

It felt long and thin and the picture backs me up, it was a strong smelling turd, but apart from that there was nothing unusual about it.

A lot slimier than i remember, but it all adds to it's snake like character.

Bristol rating; 4.

Personal, 8 - This one is a looker, and it could have been beautiful, but toilets have that ability to ruin the most perfect of dumps.

(02/04/12)

Holy Crapola.

Finally, one i remember, although i'm not sure that's a good thing.

I'll put the picture first, just so you have to keep looking at it, and suffer just a little bit, because this one was agony.

I wish the discoloured water was because it had been there a long time, but alas.. it wasn't.

It began simply enough, normal strains and effort, but then i decided it was a better idea to really go for it and push it on home.

Bad idea, i blew bubbles with my ass, that just shouldn't happen. Ever.

So, just in case you're still unsure what occurred here, I pushed out a log, then splurted out a puddle. 

Wiping becomes a real challenge when you have to contend with the double threat of log clean-ups and a waterfall in one go. Especially when this happens at a mates house. Bargain toilet paper, like wiping with sandpaper, it completely destroyed me and my day. I needed a shower after, but that just wasn't happening with a long walk home standing in my way.

Asides all these negatives, it did make me feel better.

As far as direct quotes go, this is the first i've used in the blog, upon walking out the toilet the mate in question said...

"That stinks bad, ...real bad."

Skid Marks.

This one is clearly funny, those who suggest otherwise are themselves skid marks, on the underpants of society.

Standard poo, not a lot going on, however after this one i started to see a pattern emerging, all of my craps around this time started sinking and forming some sort of soirée at the bottom of the bowl. (With me receiving no invite, thankfully).

Judging the skids, you know it was gonna be a kinda melted marshmallow substance, that is never satisfying to touch.

Bristol stool; Another 5.

Personal rating; 5.

(30/03/12)

Catching up...

I'm really sorry, i've let standards slip so very very far. Hopefully i should be able to catch up within the next week. There are some really good ones on the way so keep checking back!


This one, looks like it was pretty ordinary to me, it looks like it could of been a bit of a funny feeling dump, (Note the tail-like bit that sticks out towards the surface, very smooth, but conical).


I sort of remember it smelling quite bad, but not terrible, it wasn't too difficult to wipe, (I'm hoping). 

However, on closer reflection, i'm thinking this one was a nightmare on all levels, but i've let myself down and everyone else by not keeping a memo on this bad boy.


Bristol Stool Chart; 5


Personal; judging from the picture i'd say it was a nasty piece of work. 4.




29/03/12