12.

I should apologise for the lack of updates recently, after leaving it for a while ones mind becomes a catastrophic mess after trying to write about 30 or so dumps.


Waiting is only ever good when you know you're getting something at the end of it, waiting to void your bowels is less amusing, waiting 12 hours during a shift at work is even further from fun. In fact, it's painful, don't do it unless you have to. 

Shoddy lighting, my bad...

As you can see, my battery was dying after such a long day, so no flash, bad times.


It was a pretty dry beast, making it a bit more tricky to shove out, and after the wait I was rather convinced this should be a quick process, so I could move on with my day.


It didn't smell so raw, which is a positive, however, it looks like a sex toy, a massive negative. In fact, it's just wrong. 


It left me feeling hollow, allowing the perfect opportunity to eat a horse, but alas, there was no horse. 


Bristol rating; 3


Personal rating; 5, average poop.


22/4/12

Slush Poopy

Fun Fun Fun, every poo has a story, but this one eludes me, the pictures tell a thousand words, many of them being unanswerable questions or expletives, but after the initial shock you realise you can't un-see what i've shown you, and accept it for what it is...

A messy dump always raises more questions than normal, for instance, what went wrong that day, how is he still alive, and why is he still alive, i wish he was dead for showing me that picture!

Apologies for the tilt, live the dream though.

It stank, obviously, more than usual though, and as you can probably guess, the clean up operation was a 2 man job, although i would probably never accept help from another human with that effort, not until i'm incapable and in a care home. 


Bristol rating; 4-5


Personal rating; 6 - Could of been worse, smell was bad, but i'm used to that, it's an occupational hazard.


19/4/12

Eggs a la Crap...

How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like them to actually be eggs, and I like my shit to feel like shit, not like the meal I ate in the first place...


At the time of departure this felt like it was necessary, on reflection, i wish it wasn't. It felt truly disgusting to be a part of this process. It actually felt like I was passing scrambled eggs, and I can assure you, it was vile. As for the smell, it matched the texture, it was horrendous, and aggressive, it kept attacking until the moment I left the room.

As you can see, these look like they've been coated in some sort of viscous fluid, (You know when you crack a egg, and it sort of flows, but it doesn't quite? It looks like it was a semi-fluid protection, as if the poo were the yolk, and this gunk was the egg white, bad times. Just awful...)


As you can guess, some of this viscosity wiped off on exit, making wiping difficult, but not impossible, merely close to..


Bristol rating; 5


Personal rating; 7, it was interesting, I like having something to write about.




18/4/12

Hibernation

A fairly uneventful poo, plenty of smell, and plenty of wiping. But i've come to expect nothing less. Anything but is just a pleasant surprise.


A couple of weasels sleeping in their den, all snuggled and brown, is the exact comparison I would make to these fellows. 

I can always tell how bad the wipe was by the colour, and this autumnal array is only bad news, it's generally a reminder that it was soft and unforgiving. 


And the smell is normally worse when they come out like Mr Whippy, so it's safe to say this was unpleasant at best.


Bristol rating; 5


Personal; 4.




17/4/12

Phallus in Wonderland

Before anyone says i'm overly sick for comparing this to a man dick, just look at it.

Let's just examine it...

...Done?

Clearly a dick of sorts.

Normal poo really, just came out looking a bit "cocky"..

Bristol rating; 4

Personal; 6. Easy all rounder, no problems for me.

Sorry there wasn't much write-up on that one, but sometimes pictures just speak volumes.

16/4/12

Brown Frown.

Not much memory of this one to be perfectly honest, but I can see that it was a mess, and I know it probably smelled terrible, judging by the colour of the water, it was probably a tough wipe, and i'm pretty sure this isn't my toilet, so... many mysteries to be unravelled.

Serious discolouration, must of been pungent bro...

Bristol rating; 4


Personal rating; 5..hard to rate as i have no memory of it.




14/4/12

Stool Runnings

It was a sad day when i returned to crapping fingers of fudge, and filling the bottom of the pan.


Another time when i've been sat there a while and it just keeps flowing, although it wasn't a time when it was awkward to do so, it isn't the greatest of feelings to crap through a sieve. 


Easy to do, not so easy to wipe, they leave inevitable moisture, which just makes more mess than you'd think. And they smell far worse, making them a chore at the best of times.

A barrel of laughs...No.

From the pictures, i can vaguely remember that I could probably have paved a road with what i wiped from this one, or at least fix a pothole or two.


Smell, bad, very bad. Don't get too close to the bowl, or even the bathroom, do it, leave the house, let someone else find it, regale with laughter when they tell you the story of how they found it.


Bristol. 5-6


Personal.. 4.




13/4/12

Snake 3D

Almost certainly the greatest poo I have ever done, I cannot express how happy I am with this...

It didn't start so easily though, as with many great things, it took perseverance. 

As you'll see in the picture, it had a couple of obstacles to overcome, the initial push was immense, and painful, like a chicken laying eggs, I forced out the two little blighters blocking the path of glory.

Then came the most beautiful and hilarious thing i've seen. I'm not sure how it happened, but with a lot of pushing, and a mysterious tightness, I forced out this 

A real life Brownaconda.

The smell was average, and the wipe, was also a breeze, it somehow managed to take it's tail and any other possessions with it. Leaving me with an easy job.

Bristol; Unidentifiable, but probably a 4, mixed with a 2.

Personal, 9.5... It would be a 10, but i don't think it's possible until i reach my death bed and look back on them all.

Snaaaaaake! 11/4/12

Tale of Two Shitties (Part 2)

Later that day....

I thought that was the end of it, a substantial amount to see me through the day, but my body had other plans, the earlier had hurt my belly after some reflection, and a good look through my memo's and after doing it i had felt better, so i was even more shocked at this event.

Thanks to my wonderful memo notes, i have the most valuable of information on this hindrance. 

I had terrible gas, causing severe discomfort, as I pushed through the gas pockets in the metaphorical cave that is my ass, I struck oil, literally and in keeping with the metaphor, it was tacky, sticky, and every other adjective you want to describe it as, if this happened at the beach, i'd be paying some serious clean-up fees and have a very guilty conscience as many sea-birds would have been coated in some serious grime. If you can make it out it's just lurking at the bottom of the pan.

  As i invested more time in mining, i knew it would became a serious case of getting a tap on the oil well, and burning it off, i could feel the squirts coming on. However, I pushed on through, as i wasn't leaving the job half done. I got a lean on, creating the perfect angle for me to produce even more mess, making a terrible smell even worse, and generally ruining my day, it didn't take much lean to spur the rest on. After drinking one too many pints of jail Ale the night before, i know never to make that mistake again, unless i'm keen on having a post named Fail Ale. To go with the post "Stale Ale".


It stank, so incredibly badly, like vomit. Which was nearly doubled in strength when i almost chundered from the top end.


All this gas and shit leaving my body left a huge cavity, I could really feel the void and couldn't really decide if this was a good thing or not, I'm just glad that this mess happened at home. It was less than fun.


It came with a tough wipe, a really tough wipe. It became a game of hit and miss, first wipe...chocolate. Nobody needs to deal with that, ever, it smeared, like Nutella on toast. Several wipes later, we can end this story. Close the book, and move on with our lives. Hopefully an experience not to be repeated, although the likelihood of this happening is slim, as i'm expecting to live on for many more years.


Bristol rating; 5-6


Personal rating; 3, it had nothing going for it.




10/4/12

Tale of Two Shitties..

Two in one day, jackpot.

A good all round dump, good curl on the beast, which makes me happy, curves are good, on women and poo. Funnier on poo, and unsurprisingly it doesn't help make it more attractive. Thank god.

Apologies for the head tilting, but it helps you understand the curve more.

Bursting at the seams, it could of been trickier, however, as i recall it was easy enough, probably a bit of a push, nothing to challenging for an experienced shitter.

Wiping, sticky, but bearable, i didn't know what i was in for later that day though...

Smell, bad, 7/10, slow developer. One of those that don't really hit you until you leave the room and come back 10 minutes later.

Bristol rating; 4.

Personal; 6, funny curve, makes it worth it.

10/4/12

Good things come to those who wait...

I'm pretty certain it's not healthy to contain such a demon for this long, this became a three day stint of shitting abstinence. 


Well overdue, this one was welcomed, like a new baby, i would of appreciated a card congratulating me, but apparently they don't sell cards welcoming shits into the world, which is understandable, the demand would be ridiculous and the Amazon would be long gone by now. One the positive side we'd probably recycle more...


This thing felt like a brick, in all aspects, it was heavy, dense, and wide, so very wide. It took some extreme pushing, "You ever seen a horse blink its eye?" Yeah, crowning, hell, i deserved a card for this one.


Wiping, what wiping, this thing was drier than the Sahara, as bland as a Channel 5 afternoon drama, as painful as watching back to back adverts about starving kids in Africa...

Looks like a freakin' rhino's armour!

Bristol rating; 3

Personal rating; 6, well overdue, i needed this deuce, it hurt, but it was probably worth it. 

9/4/12.

Finger of Fudge

The last of the hidden parties!


A totally clean and healthy turd, no complaints about this one, i even like the way it looks. 


As the name suggests, it looks like fingers, but it felt like crap, because it was... and if i ever discover what fingers feel like coming out my ass, i'm in trouble. 

The colour of the water, the shape, it's just funny...

It was relatively easy to wipe, no skid marks up my back, nothing to spoil my day. The smell was also regular. An all-rounder, one to look back and smile about.

Bristol rating; 4

Personal; 8, although it wasn't one to tell future generations, it was satisfying. Plus i have a feeling that the log at the bottom if pretty long, so i'm proud.

06/04/12

Give it a rest...

Quit it, seriously, just stop.


A real travesty among shits.


It stank before i even sat down to banish these demons. Completely out of order, it's just not ok for a crap to dominate a person like that. And it stank even worse when it came out, there was no "winning" here. 


It then continued for a long time, emanating throughout. Until it climaxed with me chucking paint at the wall for want of a better comparison, a total mess, and a lot of it.

See what i mean about them having little parties.

I even thought you deserved a close-up.

I know wiping was an issue, it generally is, but this clearly came with many strings attached, like pulling a girl, and waking up to find out she's not as hot as you thought, and she has a kid (or two), and she's riddled with STD's. The list goes on. So many issues, not enough time or toilet paper.

Bristol rating; Type 5, just.

Personal; It was a pretty epic dump, but I hated the smell, and texture, Poached eggs, topped off with scrambled eggs.

(04/04/12)

Brownaconda

A relatively light-hearted post after the massacre of the previous one.

Codename "Brownaconda" this one was a satisfying snake like creature, it felt long, and i think it may have broken some records if it weren't for the u-bend.

It felt long and thin and the picture backs me up, it was a strong smelling turd, but apart from that there was nothing unusual about it.

A lot slimier than i remember, but it all adds to it's snake like character.

Bristol rating; 4.

Personal, 8 - This one is a looker, and it could have been beautiful, but toilets have that ability to ruin the most perfect of dumps.

(02/04/12)

Holy Crapola.

Finally, one i remember, although i'm not sure that's a good thing.

I'll put the picture first, just so you have to keep looking at it, and suffer just a little bit, because this one was agony.

I wish the discoloured water was because it had been there a long time, but alas.. it wasn't.

It began simply enough, normal strains and effort, but then i decided it was a better idea to really go for it and push it on home.

Bad idea, i blew bubbles with my ass, that just shouldn't happen. Ever.

So, just in case you're still unsure what occurred here, I pushed out a log, then splurted out a puddle. 

Wiping becomes a real challenge when you have to contend with the double threat of log clean-ups and a waterfall in one go. Especially when this happens at a mates house. Bargain toilet paper, like wiping with sandpaper, it completely destroyed me and my day. I needed a shower after, but that just wasn't happening with a long walk home standing in my way.

Asides all these negatives, it did make me feel better.

As far as direct quotes go, this is the first i've used in the blog, upon walking out the toilet the mate in question said...

"That stinks bad, ...real bad."

Skid Marks.

This one is clearly funny, those who suggest otherwise are themselves skid marks, on the underpants of society.

Standard poo, not a lot going on, however after this one i started to see a pattern emerging, all of my craps around this time started sinking and forming some sort of soirée at the bottom of the bowl. (With me receiving no invite, thankfully).

Judging the skids, you know it was gonna be a kinda melted marshmallow substance, that is never satisfying to touch.

Bristol stool; Another 5.

Personal rating; 5.

(30/03/12)

Catching up...

I'm really sorry, i've let standards slip so very very far. Hopefully i should be able to catch up within the next week. There are some really good ones on the way so keep checking back!


This one, looks like it was pretty ordinary to me, it looks like it could of been a bit of a funny feeling dump, (Note the tail-like bit that sticks out towards the surface, very smooth, but conical).


I sort of remember it smelling quite bad, but not terrible, it wasn't too difficult to wipe, (I'm hoping). 

However, on closer reflection, i'm thinking this one was a nightmare on all levels, but i've let myself down and everyone else by not keeping a memo on this bad boy.


Bristol Stool Chart; 5


Personal; judging from the picture i'd say it was a nasty piece of work. 4.




29/03/12

Ghost

Just a quick one to catch you up on. 


Did this one, from my memo about it I know it was a great relief, but there is no evidence to back me up.


It completely flushed itself, there was nothing to see here. 


Wiping made me laugh though, all to be seen there was a wet brown dot, like a dog had been digging in the garden, and simply nuzzled it's nose on the tissue paper.


28/03/12

No Leaf Clover

This one just kept going, it was full on, no messing about.


Started quickly, and only had a brief pause for thought, like carriages on a train, pulled along by the metaphorical freight train coming your way, it slipped out. I didn't have to go to any effort, because this thing had weight of it's own to get the job done. 


Easy to wipe, not a terrible smell. Job done

Sorry about making you tilt your head. I'm lazy, deal with it.

Bristol rating; Type 3.


Personal, Surprising amount, and it wasn't terrible, 5.




27/03/12

Panning.

There are some truly awful things in this world, poverty, war, and doing a poo so terrible that you actually feel violated by the mere act of defecation.


Although it looks like it was a walk in the park, It misled me from the start. Several normal looking nuggets, although passing them was less straightforward.


My bum beard had somehow entwined itself to make a horrible mesh, that made this nigh on impossible. On two occasions i was forced to stop and control my breathing after going an unhealthy shade of red. It felt like pushing potatoes through a sieve, it was if i were a gold miner panning for a single pure nugget. Back to the potato comparison, it was also equally as hard to push out, like birth, i was glad when it was over.


Once the deed was done i was pleasantly surprised with the lack of any discernible smell, but left with the unpleasant burn you normally get after a hefty curry the night before.

Do excuse the hairs, they were ripped out with the potato/sieve situation.

Bristol stool chart rating; Type 3-4


Personal rating; 5.


26/3/12

Poo Friend (Y)

I can honestly say this one took it out of me, there was a real connection between.


I'll put the picture in now, so you can fully admire it's glory and realise why i felt invested in it.

To say you can't polish a turd is a lie, (Mythbusters proved it), however, you wouldn't need to polish this one. Look at how smooth it is!!


It probably stank like hell, but god damn it's shiny. Judging from it's appearance i'd say it might of been a bit of a chocolate mousse to wipe, but i'm still keen on this one.


Bristol stool chart rating... Clearly type 4.


Personal rating; 9, i'm stoked on it's gleam!


(24/3/12)

Splash Damage.

I remember nothing of this one, but the picture paints a thousand words, i know for a fact that this one probably ruined my day.

A spray after something that resembled the monstrosity that is caused by hitting a tomato with a tennis racket. Chunks everywhere, and a messy racket. 


Wiping was more than an effort, well versed in this routine, it was similar to brown sauce, making a mess, and forcing me into the shower. 


Stool chart rating; Type 5, with the consistent spray of 7.


Personal rating; 2, Very tired with all these messy happenings.


Happy wiping. 23/3/12

Panama..

Apologies for the length of time between posts, i've been pretty busy, shit happens.. regularly. 


This one was quite necessary, before a 16 hour shift this one had to make an appearance. 


As far as i remember, it did naught but hurt me, but also amuse at the same time.

It was strangely a lot wider than it seems.

Like the Panama canal, pushing this one out was like squeezing a very large vessel through a very tight passage. 
It left me winking, (and i'm not talking about my face...) quite painful on the whole, but reasonably speedy. 


Easy to wipe, but painful, the ordeal had the same affect on my sphincter as throwing an Xbox 360 down the stairs... Red Ring of Death. However, this is considerably less costly.


Bristol Stool chart rating; Type 1,2 and 3. Across the board.


Personal rating; the size and variety made this one amuse me greatly. 8 out of 10.


22/3/12

Part 2... Shotgun.

Later that evening, (20/3/12)


Something dire happened, the rumblies came back, with a vengeance.


I'll just dive straight in and stick on the picture.

Bit blurry, but it's probably for the best.

Shotgun shells have a neater blast radius than this, i made quite detailed notes about the turd in question.


It was painful, as i'm sure most shotgun exit wounds are, but relieving at the same time, the rumblies were almost getting the best of me, running to the toilet was a wise move. It burnt, only adding to the agony, at first it was just a painful piece of plugged fire that squirted out, making a mess, but i waited it out, and soon enough, another bombardment of nuggets hit the deck, plenty of splash came from these bad boys, which was almost welcomed after the initial burn of the explosion, but splashback is never good. Ever.


I sat there for a good 15 to 20 minutes, getting to know the insides of my trousers, examining the seams and finding out why my trousers are so uncomfortable when i'm sat down.


Wiping, not easy, lots of moisture, and what can only be compared to vinaigrette. Not purdy. The smell wasn't too satisfactory either, it was full on, but not quite gagging.


Bristol stool rating; 5-6, not really the greatest.


Personal rating: 4, very long winded, and painful.


Keep checking back! Poops and Peeps.

Reluctance...

20/3/12


I remember this one, quite clearly, i suppose that's down to the memo i left on my phone, but even without it, this one takes me back.


I was just on my way out the door when this little treat hit me...or didn't, depending on how you look at it.


Struck with the rumblies, i made the decision to try my luck, to my regret, or maybe not! There were too many variables in deciding if this was a good thing or not.


Immediately as i sat down, nothing happened, and it was obvious there was going to be a  struggle here. As i began to push, the situation rapidly descended into anarchy. Agony, anguish, regret? 


Pretty tight boulder. Not easy to pass at all.


However, with such events, wiping is never an issue, if i remember rightly, there was nothing to clean up from this one!

Not enjoyable by any means, but this tale comes in two parts...


Bristol Stool chart rating: 1-2 Not quite rabbit droppings.


Personal rating: 2. Painful.


Look out for the next one!

More Than I Bargained For...

I've been pretty lazy with my updates recently, but don't think i haven't been keeping track! The evidence is all there, i just have to dive to the back of the bowl to refresh my memory.


This one was rather average from what i recall, supposed to be a quick dump, turned out i dropped "The Borrowers" off at the pool.


Hefty Poo, lots of sausages, not much of a smell i think, amazingly.


It was a remarkably easy wipe as well, without spreading and creating cornrows of crap up my back. (You know what i'm talkin' 'bout!)

|That's a shit load...

Bristol Stool chart rating: Somewhere between 4 and 5. Not a problem poo.


My personal rating: 7, just for the sheer surprise of how much there was.


19/03/12


Over and out.

Wide load.

This was a work poo, the day after St Patrick's Day, so you know it was always gonna be tragic. 

Horribly hungover at work, I realised it was time to go, so I made my excuses, and went for a dump.

Tar, horrible dirty, sticky, stubborn tar. An absolute nightmare, on exit and the aftermath. 

It felt like it came out at bizarre angles, tacking like a Schooner sailing the seven seas of shit.

Until the final lengths slipped out, at which point it's texture changed to that of chocolate mousse.

Wiping, i'll get to the point... It wasn't easy, the reference to tar applies here too. As soon as i'd done, it wasn't long before i felt incredibly uneasy about the situation. I knew i hadn't done well on this one... The poor quality toilet paper was a challenge, and there's only so much wiping a sensitive little bum can take. I did have to make a second visit later in the day to reassure myself the job was done.

The smell was pretty rough, but it didn't take long to disappear, thankfully, always a bonus at work.

There was plenty more to see in the depths, but i couldn't get decent lighting. :(

Bristol stool chart rating; 3, close to 2, it was quite the challenge.

Personal rating; 6, although it was a truly unique effort, it felt good to get rid of, holding on to that much Guinness for that long can weigh you down.

However, this isn't the end of the story, this one got me 3 times, at first with the initial poop, then minutes later i was forced to face it, about to get back to work I felt pretty sick, seconds later i found myself running up the stairs and shoving my head in the bowl for a quick sick. And then later that day when it kept playing on my mind. 3 for 1. Too many problems.

Happy Mother's Day! And St Patrick's Day! Guinness for days!

Rim Reaper.

Ugly, pure and simple. 

Disgusting, wasn't happy with it, i'm not gonna write too much about this one, it really upset me.

It was stinky, and slippery, and it just sucked. Thin and grubby.

Had an ugly little head on it, and potentially some corn? Not sure i remember eating corn, could be some bacon fat. Nasty little turd.

Wiping wasn't easy either, but it didn't quite spread like Nutella.

Bristol stool chart rating; 3

Personal rating; 2, maybe 3. Pain in the backside.

Hopefully the next will be better.

Turning Japanese...

This one was a shocker, although i've been a tad lazy with my updates this weekend, i can't remember exact details about the suspect.

Jogging my memory with this terrible image..

Kanji? Hirigana? Nope...Poop.

I remember it started small, and as i was checking out facebook on the throne, time passed and apparently there was more to come, it wasn't particularly difficult to deal with. If i'm correct, it wasn't ripe, and could have done with a bit more brewing, but alas, my body had other plans.

The smell was average, and usual for me, mix of vegetables and petrol.

Wiping wasn't a challenge either, I think i'm finally getting there, 21 years and I'm confident in my abilities.

Bristol Stool chart rating; 4, the sheer amount made it fall apart on entry. 

My personal rating, 6 out of 10, didn't feel too great pushing it out, when it's not ripe it just shouldn't happen.

Poo happens.

Stale Ale

A night on the ale can do terrible things to a man, this this was almost a prime example.


I'd like to just point out the addition of the Bristol Stool chart to the right >>>
Just so everyone knows what that part of the posts are about, and it's actually quite a renowned scientific tool, (Gillian McKeith eat your heart out).


This little challenge in my day wasn't desirable, it became obvious very quickly that this wasn't an average poop.

Looks basic enough, but it shot out, incredibly soft, felt slimy, all in all it was just a terrible experience. It wasn't too smelly, its only redeeming factor.


Wiping was a surprisingly easy task, which was pleasant, but i think it knew deep down i deserved that at least. After the ordeal of its texture.


Bristol Stool chart rating; 5-6. Pushing on closer to 6. 


My rating; 3 out of 10, about as unattractive as turds come. Nasty to deal with in every aspect.


This one pooped my party.. Total Buzzkill.

Greased Lightning...

From what I remember of this critter, it was all over very quickly, but it was quite beneficial to my day.

Having had a few pints the night before, it was only a matter of time before some gave way. A substantial amount, something worth talking about considering it was "Faster than the speed of love" (sneaky family guy reference).

Note the weaker members of the pack hiding in the depths.

Texture, at a push, (pun intended) I'd have to guess this was easy to wipe, looks pretty standard to me, as far as i'm aware it didn't smell until i left the room and came back 5 minutes later, during which time i think it may have been fermenting, perhaps it was starting it's own brewery, who knows what they get up to in their spare time, but it had a very hoppy smell to it.


Bristol Stool Chart rating; Appearance is deceptive, but i'd give it a 4.


Personal rating; 6 on size alone. Could of been higher, but i can barely remember doing it.


Party pooper...

Lost and Found

This was a truly magical experience. I though all hope was gone for my chance to catch a rare glimpse of this rare beast, at first inspection it had disappeared like the chance of peace in Afghanistan. 

...But wait! 

Just as i was about to throw in the towel... it reappeared, fascinating!

Considering it was the second dump of the day i was quite surprised at its size, curling itself around the bottom of the bowl like a snake having a nap.

Texture, well, it was a slippery fella, not much character in that respect, but it made up for it with that cheeky personality, hiding from me and everything, little scamp!

Smell wasn't too lofty, lingered for a while, but not so bad i had to take action against it. Easy wipe, no smearing it up my back or anything.


Bristol stool chart rating; Type 4. No doubt about it.


Personal rating; i'd give it a 7. It wasn't much to talk about, but it had personality, and i think that's quite special!

Cheeky lil' scamp.

Squatter out.

A little coffee goes a long way...

Well, a quick slurp of Starbucks frappucino moves things along nicely during the day, seriously, 2 sips and I was clenchin' like Mike Tyson.

So, 2 days went past, and nothin' much happened, wasn't complaining, until the first sip of that sugary ice cold coffee goodness.

At first it felt like it could have been explosive, but it was deceptively slow, walking up the stairs at work i could tell it would be a tacky blighter, but i knew i couldn't hold on to it for another 5 hours. #notworthit

My guess was right, quite tacky, but easy to squeeze out. My main concern was losing my nerve and tensing up, which in this situation, would have been a nightmare, truly. 

The smell was average to bad, not really too much of a problem, had a hearty vegetable detail after the initial kick. Wiping was also an average feat, it had potential to destroy me, but i think it was handled as well as possible.

Size...N/A (i think the picture does the work for me) 

Due to popular demand, and my keen interest to keep this blog as scientific as possible, or at least justify it...

A Bristol Stool Chart Rating of.... 3-4 (Appearance didn't match texture, thus the leeway) 

My personal rating, 7. Could of been better, wasn't really in the mood for it in all honesty. But a work poo is a paid poo nonetheless. 

Apologies for the poor image, it's incredibly difficult to get adequate lighting at such short notice.

Squatter out.

Keeping above 10%

Mudslides in places like the Philippines are dangerous... Sure! But they probably aren't as uncomfortable as what happened in my bowl this morning.

Being forced out of bed to make Mississippi mud pie is not a good start to the day.

Explosive. No real concept of nuggets. Imagine pouring eggs down the drain. The yolk is the only real comparison i can make to what came out.
Wiping was a feat of persistence.

The smell was potent, gagging and ferocious. Warning signs were needed for the next occupant.

For sheer relief, i'd give it a 7 out of 10.

If you stomach the picture. Well done. But you still have no idea how bad it truly was.


Squatter out.

The Work Poo.

Another near miss, almost forgot this one too, but luckily the photographic evidence jogged my memory...


Suffering with a hangover, i managed to struggle through the day thinking i was gonna blow at any moment, but when the time came, I pulled it off.


Extremely quick to move out, no flanking maneuvers for this one. Straight off the blocks it shot out, followed by some hilarious gas, which everyone loves. 


The smell however, "summin' else!" Like sitting on a garage forecourt, at first it wreaked of petrol, then took a turn, (a nasty one) smelling distinctly like pure methane. Overall however, it did improve the course of my day. Relaxing my achey belly.


Reasonably simple to wipe, but had it's challenges, fortunately, work went all out and bought emergency toilet paper, none of the usual Office Depot recycled stuff, which is the same as wiping with sandpaper. And just as effective.


A poo at work is always going to score higher on the scale, because when it comes down to it... you're being paid to shit. Good times.


6 out of 10.


I hope you find the picture as funny as i did, i'm not sure how it developed a beak. 

Squatter out.

The cup of Joe.

Thank you kind sir for the Douwe Egberts. Im glad it wasn't in my toilet though. This one was quite a bad boy.

The smell was described as disappointing. Which was a severe understatement. It stank. I can only.blame it on Guinness and a kebab..maybe the coffee gave it an extra kick.

As for the important details..
Long and sticky. Easy enough to push out. Not so easy to wipe. The smell was not aided by the lack of a functioning window. Bad times.

Enjoy the picture. I know i did. The only downfall is that seconds before i took the photo, there was a horn of crap stuck to the front of the bowl. HI-LARIOUS.

8 out of 10. Great poo.

Squatter out.